Parang Kayo, Pero Hindi.
She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became
lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends."
They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's
okay. They still date. They still have sex.
They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each
other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real
score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."
She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the
same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates,
flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are
suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman?
Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding
hands lagi?Sila kaya?
"He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss
me. Parang kami, pero hindi."
They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch
movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter
books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an
ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she
heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she
is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming
that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too.
There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!
She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both
mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates
in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make
out.
They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila
na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but
it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is
I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."
The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo- boyfriends.
Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where
the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.
Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may
have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your
gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari.
Hindi kayo mag-dyowa.
Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different
reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and
you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. A nd for
reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong
nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya
kunwa-kunwarian lang muna.
Testing lang.
Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the
guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon
sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya
ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya
nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung
naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."
Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala
talagang kasiguraduhan.
So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman
sigurado kung may patutunguhan?
Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang.
Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa w ala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom."
Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa
kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that
pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after
for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din
ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't
commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they
weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong
kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag
tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa
kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the
real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the
emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi
ang lugi.
Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship,
youcan't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga
ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role
in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if
you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to
yourself.
Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him?
You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na
mahal ka rin niya.
Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't.
Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang.
This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the
relationship.
Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much?
What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't?
What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to
find out that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a
disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be
the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan
ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan.
Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me,"
hindi "us."
Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh.
Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo- relationship, hindi
mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be
miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out
eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody
else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then
you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.
Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh.
Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the
feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the
process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment
without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with
pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy,
a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka.
Magpakasaya ka.Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil
tatadyakan kita."
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo.
Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero
hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang
siya ...
almost, but not quite.
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| Got from facebook.com |
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